One of the most powerful moments from my recent podcast conversation with Thayne Martin, founder of It’s Pure Love and creator of the ELAH™ Framework, came from a simple statement:
“When you find the reason, you find the story.”
At first glance, it sounds obvious. But the deeper I sat with those words, the more I realized how much healing can come from understanding the stories we’ve been carrying for years—sometimes decades.
The Story Behind the Freeze Response
During our conversation, we discussed trauma responses, particularly the freeze response.
Many people are familiar with fight-or-flight, but freeze can be more confusing. It can look like procrastination, avoidance, overthinking, feeling stuck, shutting down, or feeling unable to move forward even when you desperately want to.
The important thing to understand is this:
You didn’t freeze for no reason.
At some point in your life, your nervous system learned that freezing was the safest option available.
Maybe you were criticized when you spoke up.
Maybe your emotions were dismissed.
Maybe you experienced rejection, abandonment, bullying, conflict, or chaos.
Maybe you learned that staying quiet was safer than expressing yourself.
Your nervous system adapted.
It did exactly what it was designed to do: protect you.
When You Find the Reason…
Many people spend years fighting against their behaviors.
They ask:
- Why do I keep procrastinating?
- Why am I afraid of being seen?
- Why do I keep people-pleasing?
- Why do I struggle to move forward?
But often, the behavior itself isn’t the problem.
The behavior is a clue.
The behavior is pointing toward a story.
And when you find the reason behind the behavior, you find the story that created it.
The Story You Wrote at Six Years Old
One of the most fascinating things about neuroscience is that our brains are constantly creating meaning.
As children, we don’t have the life experience to interpret events accurately.
Something happens.
Someone says something.
A parent is unavailable.
A teacher criticizes us.
A friend excludes us.
And our young minds create a story to explain it.
The problem is that children often write stories based on incomplete information.
A six-year-old might conclude:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “My voice doesn’t matter.”
- “I have to be perfect.”
- “People will leave me.”
- “It’s not safe to be myself.”
- “I have to take care of everyone else.”
The event may have lasted only minutes.
The story can last decades.
The Good News: Stories Can Be Rewritten
This is where healing becomes possible.
The goal isn’t to pretend the past didn’t happen.
The goal is to revisit the story with the wisdom, awareness, and perspective you have today.
Ask yourself:
What happened?
What meaning did I assign to it?
Is that meaning actually true?
Many times, we discover that the story we’ve been living from isn’t the only story available.
Perhaps instead of:
“I failed.”
The truth is:
“I was learning.”
Instead of:
“I’m not lovable.”
The truth is:
“I wasn’t receiving the love I needed.”
Instead of:
“I’m not capable.”
The truth is:
“No one showed me how.”
The event may remain the same.
But the story can change.
And when the story changes, everything begins to change.
Why This Matters
Neuroscience continues to show us that the brain is adaptable. New neural pathways can be created. New patterns can be learned. New beliefs can be formed.
That is why the work being done by people like Thayne Martin and organizations like It’s Pure Love is so important.
Healing isn’t about fixing what’s broken.
It’s about understanding the protective patterns we developed, uncovering the stories beneath them, and choosing whether those stories still deserve a place in our lives.
Because many of us are still living from stories written by younger versions of ourselves.
And maybe it’s time to become the author again.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been feeling stuck, frozen, overwhelmed, or unable to move forward, I invite you to get curious rather than judgmental.
Ask yourself:
What story am I living from?
When did I first learn this?
Does this story still serve me?
Remember:
The behavior is often the clue.
The reason reveals the story.
And once you find the story, you have the power to rewrite it.
What story are you ready to release?
And what story are you ready to create instead?
This article was inspired by my conversation with Thayne Martin, founder of It’s Pure Love. Listen to the full podcast episode
Listen to the Full Conversation
This article was inspired by my conversation with Thayne Martin, founder of It’s Pure Love. In our discussion, we explored trauma responses, healing, nervous system regulation, and how the stories we create can shape our lives.
🎙️ Listen to the full episode on the Podcast page.
📺 Prefer video? Watch the full interview on YouTube.
Picture by Pixabay
